Can we get some A.I. to pick plastic out of the ocean, or do all the robots need to be poets?

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Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

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Imagine hating me while I’m just over here being lazy and minding my own business.

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I tried yoga once. I pulled a hamstring and my dignity.

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Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

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I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

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Going to the gym to exercise my demons.

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Wish I could step out of my body and take my own damn pictures.

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I’m pretty sure my husband’s favorite sound is the oven range fan turning on when I start making dinner.

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If I say “First of all,” run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.

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I may be ugly, but I used to be uglier.