My favorite thing to do on the weekend is not leave my house.

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I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up?”

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The potholes in my city will change your radio station and unlock the doors.

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I’m so bored of being bored, because being bored is really boring.

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My car accidentally drove to a burger shop again. I hate when it does that.

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I’m just going to flip this omelette… Okay, we’re having scrambled eggs.

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You lose some, you lose some more.

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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies.

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Parallel lines have got so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

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What if they close grocery stores and we have to hunt for our food? I don’t even know where the little gummy bears live.

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People who often talk to themselves are more intelligent than others. At least that’s what I tell myself.