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Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your lifeโ€™s decisions.

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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron von Heldebrandt reportedly said โ€œHey guys, letโ€™s get this custard drunk!โ€

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Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I donโ€™t go. Itโ€™s a running gag.

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Vanilla perfumes are so nice. It’s like walking into a bakery but you are the bakery.

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Adding โ€œFree HBOโ€ to your dating profile isnโ€™t the game changer youโ€™d think itโ€™d be.

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If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.

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My toxic trait is consistently cutting off the resealable part of the bag of frozen vegetables.

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Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

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Yeah, I work at the fart bar. Yup. Iโ€™m a fartender. Farts on me tonight!

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My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

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None of the Instagram story fonts represent me.

None of the Instagram story fonts represent me.

Commentary:
Maybe they need a new font called "Constantly Confused" just for us! ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ“š

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