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The moment when I drop my phone, but my fast reflexes slam it into a bloody wall.

The moment when I drop my phone, but my fast reflexes slam it into a bloody wall.

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Wait, did I just unlock a secret phone-hurling skill? ๐Ÿ“ฑโžก๏ธ๐Ÿงฑ๐Ÿ˜…

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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron von Heldebrandt reportedly said โ€œHey guys, letโ€™s get this custard drunk!โ€

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Biblical loophole: It’s not premarital sex if you never intend to get married.

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Of course I intermittently fast. That’s when I sleep.

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I really donโ€™t believe all of these women are actually named โ€œSassyโ€

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The dumbest thing about YouTube ads is how they seem to think that I’m a moron.

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One day youโ€™re hip and cool, and then out of nowhere you say things like hip and cool.

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Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world. Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

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Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my train wreck of a life.

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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.