My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making, and now, I can’t read anything.

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Being an adult is crazy. Because what the hell is going on?

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Everyone else time traveling: Preventing wars or the spread of disease. Me: Buying multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making.

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I need a reasonable job. Something like $3,000 an hour. Nothing too wild.

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Nicknamed my iPhone Lois Lane because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses on either.

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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Someone from 🇨🇫 has downloaded:

Pinterest is so therapeutic. There’s no drama, no one to argue with. Just pretty pictures.

Someone from 🇵🇱 has copied:

Little kid on the plane to Boston says “do they speak English there?” and his mom says “kinda!”

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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said, “Don’t text and drive.”

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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

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German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”.