You are why Superman costumes have warning labels telling you the costume won’t make you fly.

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The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

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Me drinking green tea: this is going to fix everything.

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Opening up to a woman is like talking to the police, anything you say can and will be used against you.

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Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

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I really feel like we need to have more fun in life, because literally nothing matters.

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Work again? Really? Didn’t I just do that yesterday?

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I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it’s the vodka.

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Imagine Pinocchio roasting you for 5 mins straight and his nose didn’t move an inch.

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Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still an idiot.

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What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?