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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇳🇱 has copied:

Autumn is when men run around like it’s summer and women like it’s winter.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has shared:

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has bookmarked:

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has shared:

That place is so crowded; nobody goes there anymore.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has viewed:

Vanilla perfumes are so nice. It’s like walking into a bakery but you are the bakery.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has viewed:

I’m officially at the age where I understand why my parents never wanted to go anywhere after work.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has downloaded:

I’m tired of things costing money.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has copied:

My favorite emails are the ones that say your order has shipped.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has downloaded:

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

1856 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,018

Funny Quotes Topics

14,812

Funny Quotes Images

12,018

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Just landed via Telegram:

Looking for someone to take to couples therapy and see how long it takes the therapist to notice we don’t know each other.

Spotted on Threads:

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

Broadcasted on Telegram:

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control.

Just shared via Pinterest:

Being old is basically trying to figure out what part of the body the noise is coming from, and why.

Live now on Messenger:

Sometimes it’s not a secret, it’s just none of your business.

Shared recently on Telegram:

I don’t mind being the villain in your story because you’re a clown in mine.

Trending via Twitch:

So many people to disappoint, so little time.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

I really admire the suns ability to be exactly where my car’s visor can’t block it out.

Breaking via Discord:

The golden rule of three beverages: one to hydrate, one to caffeinate, and one to celebrate.

Seen just now on Telegram:

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

I wish I was as tired at bedtime as I am at 2 p.m. on any given day.

2 days ago

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Commentary:
Time to skip straight to the napping championships at 2 p.m. every day! 💤🏅😴

2, afternoon, am, bedtime, day, fatigue, i, sleep, tired, wish

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Someone from 🇧🇼 has bookmarked:

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families. Do their families get a say in this?

Someone from 🇦🇬 has bookmarked:

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

Someone from 🇩🇴 has bookmarked:

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes!

Someone from 🇨🇩 has bookmarked:

Why do birds love going apeshit first thing in the morning?

Someone from 🇸🇨 has bookmarked:

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has bookmarked:

“I asked ChatGPT.” Okay, well, I asked Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has bookmarked:

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has viewed:

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out?

Someone from 🇺🇾 has downloaded:

My Mom asks why everything is on the floor, like she never heard of gravity.

Someone from 🇬🇾 has shared:

Sunday without HBO feels like a meal without carbs — empty and deeply wrong.

Social Media Log 💫

Reported on Threads:

Ponytails are only hot on women, bro.

Going viral on Pinterest:

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Going viral on Slack:

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads!”

Shared recently on Facebook:

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbors loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Trending via Twitch:

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

Going viral on Facebook:

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know.

Just landed via Facebook:

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

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I wish I was as tired at bedtime as I am at 2 p.m. on any given day.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.” I’m like, look, we had one night of drunken shopping, we are not in a relationship.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you and good night.

Silicon Valley has taken over the world. Remember when nerds had the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence.

There’s a cougar warning in my neighborhood, but apparently it’s just a big cat. I bought a case of wine coolers for nothing.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Her heart is a combination of wildflowers and wildfires, delicate, yet so fierce.

Unfortunately, I don’t think before I speak, so l am just a shocked as you are.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.

Perhaps an evening in the meditation cage will soothe you.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

At my age, getting up early just means that I had to go pee, and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself?

I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

They should make statues of regular people, like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Being gracefully insane is the secret to staying somewhat sane in an insane world.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

“Your password is too weak!” Just wait until you see my impulse control.

I don’t think humans were put on this earth to know what Salesforce is. It’s unnatural.

Not to brag, but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

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I wish I was as tired at bedtime as I am at 2 p.m. on any given day.

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