“What’s your 5-year plan?” I’ll probably go to the movies next week, I think.

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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks.

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One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children.

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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

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No, I love darkness at 5pm and the death of a nation.

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Does running actually get easier if you do it a lot, or is it that you just get more masochistic?

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Applying for jobs sometimes is wild, like how am I supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

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There is no actual wolf in Wolf of Wall Street.

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There are only two kinds of people, and I avoid them both.

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It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right, bro, I should just annihilate this family of four.

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The most embarrassing thing in the world is when you make a fool of yourself in front of a baby and it doesn’t laugh.