I need to go back to Friday. I want to do my weekend differently.

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The only thing I miss all day is my bed.

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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town?

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You’re not stuck in traffic. You are traffic.

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Prime numbers are so cunty. Like okay, diva — only divisible by yourself?

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I’m not even doomscrolling anymore; I’m just regular scrolling, and everything’s doomed.

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When someone asks me if my twins are natural, I tell them no they’re robots.

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If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

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I’m just a girl looking for another snack.

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I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair, then runs back out again; and I then have to fall asleep holding a crucifix.

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I hate it when I go to hug someone sexy and hit my head on the mirror.