My doctor just diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. Now I’m worried shitless.

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I no longer dislike Mondays, I’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

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Not today, Satan, but next week works.

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Suicide is never the answer, you gotta outlive your enemies.

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I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

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It’s Friday. I ran out of small talk on Tuesday. Please leave me alone.

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Me and my boys are broke, so we take turns taking pictures of one iced matcha.

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Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

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Most puns make me feel numb, but math puns make me feel number.

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Nicole Kidman being in a film called Babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name.

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I’m at the age where living in the woods and arguing with a raccoon sounds like a peaceful retirement plan.