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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇷🇼 has viewed:

Diet Coke is just a fridge cigarette.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has downloaded:

Interviewer: Can I get you anything? Me: Yeah, a job!

Someone from 🇦🇴 has bookmarked:

I’ve found God. It’s my turn to hide now.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has downloaded:

God knew I would be too powerful if I had conversation skills.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has bookmarked:

“The average CEO reads 52 books a year.” Yeah, because they’ve got nothing else to do.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has copied:

I have no issue with people talking in the morning. But not with me, please!

Someone from 🇸🇨 has bookmarked:

I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has shared:

Any place is a walkable city if you’re broke enough.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has viewed:

I’m never really sure what to do with my hands when I go jogging, so I don’t go jogging.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has viewed:

I don’t have time for anything that doesn’t set my soul on fire.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

1836 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

11,998

Funny Quotes Topics

14,797

Funny Quotes Images

11,998

Updated

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Users Online

3,453

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Messenger:

Can’t believe we used to throw eggs at houses, and now we can afford neither eggs nor houses.

Live now on Messenger:

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, then plug me back in. See if that works.

Just landed via Reddit:

A lot of people think you need a lot of money to buy clothes. And they’re right.

Reported on Slack:

I’m the kind of crazy you weren’t warned about because no one knew this level existed.

Broadcasted on Messenger:

All pants are tear away pants if you’re strong enough.

Spreading quickly via Reddit:

My big 3? Yapping, napping & snacking!

Just landed via Twitch:

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I finally get why people love cauliflower.

Trending via Telegram:

If I’m giving you attention, feel blessed. My real passion is ignoring people.

Trending via WeChat:

“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football line-ups on and off for 8 hours.

Broadcasted on X:

I do block people right away; you’re not going to stress me out on my own phone, with my own internet, and in my own house.

Dear men, my ‘biological clock’ isn’t my weakness. It’s your final deadline to prove you’re worthy.

1 day ago

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Commentary:
Tick-tock, gentlemen! Better bring your 'A' game before the clock strikes "Sorry, time's up!" 🕰️😆✨

biological, biological clock, clock, dating, deadline, final, humor, men, pressure, prove, relationship, weakness, worthiness

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇰🇮 has copied:

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

Someone from 🇷🇼 has shared:

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has downloaded:

It’s so hot out, I just hydroplaned off the toilet seat at work.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has viewed:

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has copied:

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has viewed:

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has copied:

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has shared:

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has viewed:

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has downloaded:

I love being left to my own devices. It’s like yeah, these are my devices.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on X:

Everyone is getting pregnant or married, and I’m back to “What’s your favorite color?“

Going viral on Telegram:

Hello pollen, my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Seen just now on X:

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Breaking via LinkedIn:

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

Spotted on Discord:

Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. Like Wednesday.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

An adult is a person that keeps Ibuprofen in more than one place.

Trending via Slack:

I stop myself at least twice a day from posting a status that would make everyone grab popcorn.

Going viral on Reddit:

Having to pee when you’re driving is problematic. Having to sneeze when you’re driving is even more problematic.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

Just shared via Reddit:

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P.

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Dear men, my ‘biological clock’ isn’t my weakness. It’s your final deadline to prove you’re worthy.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

What substance do I have to abuse to stop yearning?

I wanna date someone cuter than me, but sadly I am the cutest.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one where you put change in, and snacks come out.

Everybody in the world, stop fighting or no dessert.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding, but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop?

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Super excited about a brand new day of ignoring my problems.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

If i say “morning!” to you, it does not mean “good morning”, I am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

I don’t do exercise because one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never.”

Me (young, naive): “I hope something good happens.” Me (now): “I hope whatever bad happens is at least funny.”

Calling it a situationship, and the whole time, the situation is that they don’t want you.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

This Monday could have been an email.

If you give me a serious answer to a silly question, I’m giving you a wedgie.

If someone asks you why you’re single, just answer with: “Got lucky.”

I’m just impressed by how ugly I’m willing to look in public these day.

The belief that software engineers are uniquely intelligent has done unimaginable damage on society.

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Dear men, my ‘biological clock’ isn’t my weakness. It’s your final deadline to prove you’re worthy.

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