Sundays are weird. You want to relax, but your brain’s like, “Shouldn’t you be panicking about something?”

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Being able to notice that a celebrity unfollowed another celebrity is some seriously jobless behaviour.

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I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.

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Strangers vomiting their beliefs all over you every day is not good for the soul.

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It sucks when you have to stand on an escalator for 30 minutes because of a power cut.

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Just imagine if farting were as contagious as yawning.

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Someone told me I wasn’t thinking clearly, as if that’s even an option.

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People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

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Another Monday that no one asked for.