Adulthood is realising no one cares about you, and the show must go on.

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Killing me softly with his schlong.

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I hope the babies I was born with at the hospital are doing good.

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Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest.

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Did it make you feel powerful when you didn’t let me merge onto the highway?

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Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever.

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“I don’t do politics.” Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

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Technically I’m still young, but according to my back pain I’m actually 69.

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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids.

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It’s not that I want more shoes, it’s just that they keep making them in my size.

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“Can my boyfriend come?” Will he contribute to our conversation, at least one question?