Every morning, the cat watches me make coffee and asks if we can go sit out on the balcony to watch the birds, and every morning I say, yes, of course, let’s.

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Bottle of Worcestershire sauce tipped over in my fridge. The mess is unpronounceable.

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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

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Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

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Roses are red. Blue got me thinking. I reckon it’s time for some excessive day drinking…

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When you have intense chemistry with someone, everyone else feels so bleh.

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My first mistake of my life was my birth.

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Coworkers are funny. You could see a guy every day for 5 years then he quits and you never see or even think about him again.

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Don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. Show them you can’t.

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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And they were correct. Honestly, great call from the haters.

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I wish I had the determination of my wife, who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.