America is like that TV show that’s been on for too long, and the writers don’t know what to do, so they just make anything happen.

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The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice-cream.

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My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea.

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The rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while I’m there.

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We’re all naughty, some just more than others.

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Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular.

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Every year, just in time for Christmas, when it’s freezing cold, the Coca Cola truck shows up. Now, in this freaking heat, it’s nowhere to be seen.

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An introvert walked into a bar. Just kidding. The introvert stayed home.

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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

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Some days you’re the shit and some days you’re the fan.

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When you’re young, weekends are for fun. When you’re older, they’re for recovery.