Procrastination isn’t a horrible thing. I mean, you always have something to do tomorrow… plus you have nothing to do today.

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Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them.

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Sometimes the whole point of going out is to then really savor coming back home.

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Bowling: The most fun you can have wearing someone else’s shoes.

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We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa.

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I don’t want to adult anymore. Don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat. Jump around randomly, eat what I want, and head-butt anyone who annoys me.

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These aliens are taking forever.

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I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job.

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Some people are so judgmental, I can tell by just looking at them.

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Born to say “Who the hell raised you to be this stupid.” Forced to work in groups.

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American homes are so strange because, why is your front door in the living room?