White guys have a slur for other white guys they don’t respect, it’s called ‘buddy.’

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Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k.

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What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

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In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

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If you see me in public, it’s AI.

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The problem with self-checkout is that all the cashiers are idiots.

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Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

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My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

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Every time I talk, it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak.

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Distance is my jam; solitude is my peanut butter.

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I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast.