Maturing is realizing you’re not stable enough to do mushrooms.

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My favorite voicemails are those where the person doesn’t leave one.

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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

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“You don’t look 40.” How am I supposed to look?

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I can’t do the splits. But so far there has never been a situation where I’ve thought, “I should do the splits now.”

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Relationship status: I love my bed.

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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

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I like when the superheroes that can fly pick up and carry the ones that can’t.

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Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “concerning”?

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Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

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That place is so crowded; nobody goes there anymore.