Aside from cocaine, has anyone figured out what that little pocket on your jeans is for?

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“Are you okay?” No, it’s literally Monday every 15 minutes.

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The lack of a pope has got me acting wild.

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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats breakfast standing up?

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How was the word “Wife” invented? They took the first two and last two letters of wildlife.

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“You smell so good!” Okay, so kiss me.

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I mostly choose to stay silent in weird situations but my face has subtitles.

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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

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That feeling when it’s Friday, you blink once, and somehow it’s Monday again.

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Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do you really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to work for you? No. It was to ride a pony on a funky space rainbow. Grow up.