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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars. Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

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I’m actually quite nice. If I had friends, they’d all confirm that.

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Relationship status: nobody is cheating on me so thatโ€™s pretty neat.

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My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

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For International Womenโ€™s Day, Iโ€™m going to celebrate by hitting every curb I see.

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I love coming home and being at home and sitting inside my home and staying home.

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People should be able to call in healthy: โ€œLook, Iโ€™m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I donโ€™t want to waste it on being at work.โ€œ

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Gutted to report that spending a day offline, touching grass with my friends, was phenomenal for my mental health.

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Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

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I’m ready for the exciting last 30 seconds of the basketball game, which stretch into 25 minutes of fouls, time-outs, and commercials.

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Facing my uncle’s dreaded lightning bolt attack at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Facing my uncle’s dreaded lightning bolt attack at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

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When Uncle starts his electrifying tales, I just grab a mashed potato shield and hope for the best โšก๏ธ๐Ÿ›ก๏ธ๐Ÿฅ”



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