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You donโ€™t scare me, I was married once.

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Iโ€™ve been following this strict diet all week and so far all Iโ€™ve lost is my patience.

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It’s strange being the same age as old people.

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Why canโ€™t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking Zoom meetings for you, stuff like that.

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After I get irritated, it takes me about 2 hours to fix my face.

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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if youโ€™re awake.

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Donโ€™t put words in my mouthโ€”thatโ€™s where the hot dogs go.

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Obituaries should have clickbait titles.

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Single by choice. Just not my choice.

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Pinterest algorithm is like a loving dad who fills the whole fridge with oranges after seeing you enjoy one.

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You should be allowed to call out of work if you have a really bad nightmare.

You should be allowed to call out of work if you have a really bad nightmare.

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I'll be sure to let my boss know I'm taking a "horror-day" off next time I dream of juggling chainsaws! ๐Ÿ˜ด๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿชš



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