My ducks are not even remotely in a row. My ducks are in places no duck has ever gone before.

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You relax for 15 minutes after work, and next thing you know, it’s 10 p.m.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has downloaded:

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

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Two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg, we should totally start a pamphlet”

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Her: how are you still single? Me: it’s easier than you think.

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This meeting could have been a cake.

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You’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house.

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Breakfast in bed: cute in theory, gross in practice.

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They say time is the solution to every problem. I’ve been waiting for five hours already and the room is still messy.

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My body is like an elastic band – no matter how I stretch it, it goes back to the nap position.

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Imagine if every time you stepped into an elevator, it played the “Mission Impossible” theme.