Your childhood wasn’t complete unless you were chased by a dog… or a goat… or even worse, a chicken.

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In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still mad about it.

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An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil idiots doing it instead.

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Millennials are just 30-40-year-olds who look 20-30 years old and feel 80-90 years old.

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Cannabis has many benefits. For example, it makes you retarded. But in addition, it also makes you lazy. No worries though, it also makes you fat and insane.

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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

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I am very depressed and in a really bad mood. Perhaps it will get better if I sit inside on a beautiful day and dwell compulsively.

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Back to the Future and chill?

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Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.

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A tip for your next salary negotiation: simply tell your boss “either I get a pay rise or I go out and tell everyone I got one!”

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When I get married, I want my wedding video to be filmed like it’s an episode of The Office. I want camera zooms, eye contact, side commentary— all of it.