My role at Thanksgiving dinner is to Blair Witch it alone in the corner.

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I’ve done literally nothing all day, except feel guilty about doing nothing all day.

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I recently discovered “movies.” They’re usually like an hour and a half long, and a pretty good way to kill time. Check it out.

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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

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When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

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I recently saw a documentary about dinosaurs. They simply ate everyone they didn’t like. I like that concept.

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Gordon Ramsay is only funny because he’s not talking to me like that.

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Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

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Having Christmas off in the middle of the work week and then forcing us to go back to work the next day feels so illegal.

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Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

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Mondays have a black belt in psychological warfare.