We used to burn CDs like we were running an underground record label.

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Sometimes you just gotta say LOL and move on.

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No, you don’t understand. This is my special mistake. I keep making it because it is very dear to me, like an old friend.

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When I take a shower I’m: 5% cleaning myself, 10% singing, 85% making life changing decisions.

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According to the BMI chart, I am too short.

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Not sure who needs to hear this, but make your bloody bed.

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All my bills say “Outstanding.” I guess I am good to go.

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I know I just ate a snack, but I could really use a snack.

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If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school, let’s keep it that way.

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Reading Shakespeare for the first time is crazy because you go, “Oh, that’s where that comes from,” every other page.

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I wish I was a cat. No bills, no job, just meow, meow.