Controlling your emotions while on your period is an extreme sport.

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No, it’s totally fine, Grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today.

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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

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Performative male is kinda just a rebrand of metrosexual, which is just a way to say a straight guy is a little bit faggy.

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Sometimes my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.

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My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

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If you live in the same hemisphere as me, you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

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I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee.

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I still get so surprised every time someone I find attractive finds me attractive. Like, are you sure?

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If I got possessed demonically, I wouldn’t even notice it. With everything else I’ve got going on.

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Welcome to middle age: your chin looks lonely; here’s another one.