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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇧 has viewed:

Why talk to bots when my plants listen just fine?

Someone from 🇸🇾 has downloaded:

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has bookmarked:

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has shared:

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has viewed:

I was born tired, and I will die tired. If I ever tell you I’m not tired, I’m probably lying.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has bookmarked:

People my age are doing so much, and I’m just at home reliving the same day over and over again.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has viewed:

Just being myself is how we got into this mess.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has copied:

I don’t wanna be dramatic but the work week continuously restarting is literally ruining my life.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has bookmarked:

Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has bookmarked:

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

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15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Vote for me and I’ll remove all the calories from cheese.

Just landed via YouTube:

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake.

Broadcasted on WeChat:

A person’s character can be read quite reliably from the way he or she interacts with service personnel.

Going bananas on Instagram:

I appreciate the people that interact with me and I really appreciate the ones that don’t.

Just landed via WeChat:

Naps are tricky. Either you wake up relaxed and refreshed, or you have a headache, a dry throat and no idea what year it is.

Seen just now on Discord:

The only thing I gained this year is weight.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

I’ve reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Sometimes I see how many vacations people take and I wonder if I’m bad with money or if they are.

Just shared via Instagram:

If you can stand me, you deserve me!

Drinking a beer alone with terrible posture.

2 months ago

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Sounds like you're perfecting the art of couch yoga 🍺🛋️😆

alone, beer, drinking, humor, posture, relaxation, terrible

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67 shares on Slack this month:

That moment when you’re reading but realize you forgot to understand.

48 shares on YouTube this month:

Vacations are expensive, but how else could you put a price tag on your kids being ungrateful in a different city.

57 shares on Telegram this month:

My southern family thinks my daily routine in NYC is that I wake up, try really hard not to get stabbed by a knife, and then I go see a musical.

25 shares on WeChat this month:

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

87 shares on Instagram this month:

Normalize bed-rotting in the holidays and not feeling guilty about it for your mental health.

56 shares on Facebook this month:

They say it is hard to look at lips that you are not allowed to kiss. You do not know how hard it is to look at a face that you are not allowed to hit.

63 shares on Discord this month:

I’m sorry for inventing the universe.

36 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

10 shares on Telegram this month:

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

15 shares on Instagram this month:

It’s never too early to start making bad decisions.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇾 has copied:

God, is there anything worse than when someone wants to show you a video?

Someone from 🇲🇩 has shared:

Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has shared:

We all know that mirrors don’t lie. I’m just very grateful that they don’t laugh.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has downloaded:

Telling men I have a boyfriend doesn’t chase them away anymore, so I’ve started telling them I have a child.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has bookmarked:

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has bookmarked:

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has copied:

Honestly, I don’t even play an active role in my life any more. Things just happen and I’m like “I guess this is what we’re doing now.”

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

That one friend who has a dangerously loose grasp on food safety.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has shared:

Ummmm, no, I don’t watch ‘Instagram Reels.’ I have TikTok. I like to get my brain damage directly from the original source.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has downloaded:

The fact that I have a lot of wine in the house proves that I don’t drink much. Otherwise the wine would be gone.

Social Media Log 💫

Breaking via LinkedIn:

My super talent is hitting every red light on the way to wherever the hell I’m going.

Broadcasted on Threads:

I find myself thinking “God, I need a cigarette” way too often for someone who doesn’t actually smoke.

Going bananas on WeChat:

Some people are living bowel movement to bowel movement.

Broadcasted on LinkedIn:

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own.

Just shared via Slack:

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Breaking via YouTube:

It’s not jingling to you that I’m standing on Christmas.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

Declined stepping on the scale at the doctor’s office because no one needs that kind of negativity in her life.

Seen just now on Telegram:

Before I started my own business, I would suffer from anxiety on Sunday nights. But now that I run my own business, I have anxiety every night.

Shared recently on Instagram:

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

Going viral on Reddit:

It’s jarring for me when there are British people in the Midwest. How did you get this far inland?

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Activity Log ✨

Drinking a beer alone with terrible posture.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton.

Auto-correct and I are in a toxic relationship.

The amount of water you actually need to drink to be hydrated is so obscene. Who does this body think it is? A data center?

Cannabis has many benefits. For example, it makes you retarded. But in addition, it also makes you lazy. No worries though, it also makes you fat and insane.

Pomegranates are worth the mess.

The first time you forgive out of love. The second time out of hope and the third time out of stupidity.

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Activity Log ✨

Drinking a beer alone with terrible posture.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton.

Auto-correct and I are in a toxic relationship.

The amount of water you actually need to drink to be hydrated is so obscene. Who does this body think it is? A data center?

Cannabis has many benefits. For example, it makes you retarded. But in addition, it also makes you lazy. No worries though, it also makes you fat and insane.

Pomegranates are worth the mess.

The first time you forgive out of love. The second time out of hope and the third time out of stupidity.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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