Eating the rest of the donuts will keep me from eating donuts tomorrow. My logic is flawless.

85 shares on Snapchat this month:

I think, therefore I am. I am, therefore I think. Therefore I am. I think.

10 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I didn’t like my beard at first… then it grew on me.

39 shares on Messenger this month:

When did making sense stop making sense?

79 shares on Pinterest this month:

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

30 shares on Facebook this month:

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

26 shares on Discord this month:

I have been so toxic and horny lately, I should probably start, like, reading a book or something.

35 shares on Messenger this month:

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive, I might as well go to therapy.

66 shares on Twitch this month:

I literally never want to be the bigger person again. We can both go to hell.

71 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around.

70 shares on YouTube this month:

Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.