34 Funny celebrity quotes

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  1 week ago

  View →: Daniel Craig leaving Bond to become Benoit Blanc is one of the best things to ever happen.
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  3 weeks ago

  View →: The feelings I have for Tom Cruise are the closest approximation I have to what patriotism must feel like.
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  4 weeks ago

  View →: Money enters like Beyoncé and exits like Britney.
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  1 month ago

  View →: I miss when we didn’t know what celebrities thought about anything.
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  1 month ago

  View →: I wonder how my close personal beloved friend Taylor Swift is doing today.
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  1 month ago

  View →: I would only enjoy the Met Gala if at the end of that runway they all walked into a volcano.
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  1 month ago

  View →: It’s freaking me out to think of how bad I’d look at the Met Gala.
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  2 months ago

  View →: At this point, Tom Cruise is a stuntman who does his own acting.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Do animals have celebrities? Like, do birds all recognize that one bird who sings really well?
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  3 months ago

  View →: I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean, if you want an autograph or a picture just ask.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Going to hack Kanye’s account and make him post something normal.
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  4 months ago

  View →: If Kanye got hacked, no one would even know.
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  4 months ago

  View →: If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.
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  4 months ago

  View →: I don’t even know who’s famous anymore.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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  5 months ago

  View →: There are people on TV who are not ruined by fame, but who ruin fame.
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  5 months ago

  View →: In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
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  5 months ago

  View →: And once again my day begins without a red carpet! Guys, I’m really disappointed in you.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Aubrey Plaza is like an alien who went to earth to study us but accidentally got famous and can’t leave.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs. She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Meeting Beyoncé and telling her I loved her in Goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career, just to see if it throws her off.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Has anybody else completely lost it or is it just me and Kanye?
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  5 months ago

  View →: “23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I don’t think you all understand. If Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet, she’d be Taylor Slow.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Kim Kardashian wants her ashes to be scattered in the sea after her death. As if there wasn’t enough plastic there already.
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  5 months ago

  View →: After all these years, Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away. I’m getting it framed.
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  5 months ago

  View →: People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Britney Spears working at an ice-cream shop called ‘Scoops, I did it again.’
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  5 months ago

  View →: I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Okay, new plan, I’m going to marry a Kardashian.

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