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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇱🇹 has bookmarked:

Canceled a date for a date with another guy, and that guy canceled. It’s what I deserve.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has shared:

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has shared:

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has bookmarked:

How come all the single people don’t need no one, and all the married ones need two?

Someone from 🇸🇦 has downloaded:

The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has downloaded:

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has shared:

I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within three weeks not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has viewed:

This year I’d like an advent calendar with 24 different tranquilizers.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has bookmarked:

Told my girlfriend that Mum is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Also told Mum that my girlfriend has special needs.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has viewed:

People who talk about fruit having too much sugar scare me so bad. Please get back, you wicked witch!

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Telegram:

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself?

Freshly posted on TikTok:

An interviewer asked me how well I can perform under pressure; I said I’m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.

Shared recently on Slack:

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more.

Going viral on Instagram:

My life would be pointless without cheese. Or as the famous song goes: “Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone!”

Seen just now on Discord:

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

Going viral on Pinterest:

Boys say that girls are dramatic, but have you ever plucked a man’s eyebrow? They act like they’ve been shot.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs.

Spotted on X:

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

Freshly posted on Slack:

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighborhood.

508 Funny dating quotes

More funny dating quotes 👇

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

2 weeks ago

advice, attract, crush, dating, ever, humor, i, me, psychopath, relationship, self-awareness, therapist
I haven’t been with anyone in 3 years. I feel sorry for my next boyfriend. He might not make it through the day.

2 weeks ago

3, anyone, boyfriend, breakup, dating, day, feel, humor, i, joke, life, love, love life, next, relationship, sarcasm, single, sorry, through
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

2 weeks ago

Bachelor, Brooklyn, dating, humor, Madison, meet, reality, reality show, relationships, Savannah, show
Women always want to marry intelligent men. What they don’t know: Intelligent men don’t want to marry.

2 weeks ago

always, dating, expectations, humor, intelligent, intelligent man, irony, know, love, man, marry, men, relationship, want, women
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet.

2 weeks ago

area, dating, hot, hot single, humor, irony, joke, money, single, singles, wallet
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend.

2 weeks ago

approach, boyfriend, chance, dating, finding, girl, gorgeous, humor, ID, love, never, nothing, rejection, relationship, seeing, stand, worse
Maybe aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

2 weeks ago

alien, aliens, dating, first move, humor, move, relationship, visit, want, women
Speed dating, but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food.

2 weeks ago

activity, bite, change, changing, date, dating, eating, every, food, humor, just, me, minutes, restaurant, social, speed, speed date, table, trying
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house.

2 weeks ago

advice, date, dating, dating advice, first date, house, humor, i, pay, payment, person, relationship, should, think
Those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

2 weeks ago

activity, after, carry, dating, fish, guys, holding, humor, just, marriage, over, picture, pictures, profile, profile picture, relationship, threshold

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All funny dating quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Social Media Stars ⭐

20 shares on Messenger this month:

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

21 shares on Discord this month:

Is it cool if I come into your life and just never leave, like a stray cat?

84 shares on Slack this month:

I get it, credit cards, I’ve reached my limit too.

96 shares on Snapchat this month:

Distance is my jam; solitude is my peanut butter.

44 shares on Twitch this month:

Body: Time to sleep. Brain: Hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

74 shares on Snapchat this month:

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

95 shares on Twitch this month:

Sometimes I do this fun little thing, where I take the time to write a grocery list, and then I forget it at home.

96 shares on Telegram this month:

Being in your 20s is crazy because, why did you stay with someone you were that incompatible with for that long?

19 shares on Facebook this month:

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

48 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇳 has bookmarked:

Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has bookmarked:

I’ll be like “it is what it is” and almost vomit from anxiety.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has shared:

Old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has shared:

Marriage is scary, what if he doesn’t want our house to look like my Pinterest board.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has shared:

Maybe if we sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has bookmarked:

Roses are red. I’m going to bed.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has copied:

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Someone from 🇱🇾 has downloaded:

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own bed.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has copied:

Will mosquitoes ever develop a pizza obsession and end their pursuit of human blood?

Someone from 🇱🇦 has copied:

Someone needs to press pause on this weekend.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Yoga is just slow motion breakdancing.

Going viral on YouTube:

My desire to be informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

Spotted on TikTok:

I honestly have no idea what a vitamin is. It’s in a banana but it’s also the sun? Sure.

Going viral on Telegram:

I’d make room in my pillow fort for you.

Seen just now on Twitch:

Hey, I noticed you’re not saying what I want.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Every time my kids start whining, I get the urge to call my mom and apologize.

Spotted on YouTube:

I don’t even know what the Transformers are fighting about, to be honest.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

Super excited for a brand new week of hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

Spotted on X:

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

When you want to feel at your thinnest, walk through Walmart at any time of day.

Activity Log ✨

508 Funny dating quotes

More funny dating quotes 👇

All funny dating quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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