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Someone from 🇧🇭 has copied:

I’m sick of blessings in disguise. I am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has downloaded:

Cancelling a date so I can order pizza and go to bed at 8:30 p.m.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has bookmarked:

My sleeping cycle is completely backwards. In the morning I feel sleepy and at night I can’t fall asleep.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has copied:

Before you just FaceTime me randomly, please don’t.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has shared:

When life gives you lemons, take the lemons. They were a gift. Maybe life thought you liked lemons. Did you think about that? No, you’re always thinking about yourself.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has copied:

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has bookmarked:

Ever feel like you’re adulting, but only on the outside? Inside, you’re just a kid hoping someone else will make dinner.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has viewed:

Sometimes being alive feels like being a pornstar who is asexual.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

They say 30 is the new 20, and 40 the new 30. All I know is 9 p.m. is the new midnight.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Telegram:

Going to all the Halloween parties this year as the Invisible Man.

Shared recently on Threads:

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do. That’s insane.

Seen just now on Discord:

My favorite military tradition is asking someone what an acronym means right after they use it, and they don’t know what it means.

Just shared via YouTube:

But are we sure that stomachs are meant to be flat?

Going viral on YouTube:

Twitter is like a psych ward with no staff.

Going viral on TikTok:

If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

13 Funny expert quotes

More funny expert quotes 👇

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

3 weeks ago

advice, conversation, expert, humor, i, myself, need, self-talk, talk
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

3 weeks ago

30, children, expert, fatherhood, humor, listening, minutes, obscure, obscure topic, parenting, teaching, topic
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.

3 weeks ago

advice, conversation, expert, humor, i, irony, life, live, notes, sarcasm, sorry, take

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14 shares on Messenger this month:

Warning: This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

65 shares on WeChat this month:

Turns out, “unc” is short for unconstitutional.

67 shares on Snapchat this month:

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

94 shares on Discord this month:

She was rare. Like a meth head with good teeth.

34 shares on Slack this month:

Being an adult is realizing $1000 is little money to have, but a lot to owe.

35 shares on Facebook this month:

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar.

51 shares on YouTube this month:

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

61 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

75 shares on X this month:

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

65 shares on Instagram this month:

All I’m saying is that I’m closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos is.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇺 has shared:

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school, let’s keep it that way.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has shared:

Once you are able to find humor in any situation, you’ve either reached enlightenment or you’re just a little unhinged.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has bookmarked:

The secret ingredient to being really funny is childhood trauma.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has viewed:

Weirdos gonna weird.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has downloaded:

Dear predictive text, I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has shared:

I once had a psychic girlfriend, she left me before we met.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has downloaded:

Nothing hurts more than someone not getting your joke.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has copied:

Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Someone from 🇨🇱 has bookmarked:

Don’t come to my house unannounced. I will stare at you from my window.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has bookmarked:

I love Pinterest. No opinions. No bad vibes. Just pretty pictures.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Snapchat:

Kendrick inspires me to be a bigger, deeper, more passionate hater.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

Born to screenshot everything and never look at it again.

Live now on Snapchat:

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup.

Shared recently on Messenger:

“AI is coming for your job.” Yeah, I’d like to see AI drink 11 coffees, then have a panic attack.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

This Monday has Monday written all over it.

Trending via Reddit:

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

Breaking via WeChat:

Once your parents move from “What time are you coming back” to “Are you coming back today,” you have won the war.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

It scares me when you stay up late, like 3 a.m., and you hear a car go down the road, like, where are you going?

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

If the office is always a little cold, you might be working for the lizard people.

Freshly posted on Slack:

If the universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

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Activity Log ✨

13 Funny expert quotes

More funny expert quotes 👇

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you’re an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.

All funny expert quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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