Commentary:
"Well, that would definitely make customer service a lot more interesting! 😂 Imagine walking into a store not knowing if today is the day you'll get bopped on the head for being a difficult shopper. 🛒💢 Just another reason to be extra nice to retail staff! 🤣 #CustomerServiceGoals"

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet.

My retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song. I just need to learn how to sing and write music.
Commentary:
"Looks like someone's banking on their vocal talents to sleigh the retirement game! 🎤🎅 Who needs a 401(k) when you've got jingle bells and high notes to back you up? 🎶😄 #RockinAroundTheRetirementPlan"

Basketball’s all like “gimme that pumpkin, I need it” and golf is all like “***k this egg, imma hit it into the sun”
Commentary:
"Basketball be like, 'Gimme that pumpkin, I need it!' 🎃🏀 Meanwhile, golf is out here like, 'Forget this egg, I'm sending it to the sun!' ☀️⛳️ Talk about some serious sporty shenanigans!"
Commentary:
"Ah, the designated hitter – the team's trusty savior when the rest of them have had a few too many curveballs! 🍻⚾️ Better watch out for those home runs… and hangovers! 😄"

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.
Commentary:
"Life's a stage, and for serial killers and comedians alike, it's all about that elusive Netflix special 🎬 Or you might just end up on those 'shitty podcasts' discussing your quirky hobbies like collecting stamps or, uh, body parts 🤷♂️ Either way, make sure to choose your performances wisely! 😉"

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her.
Commentary:
Hmm, I hope your coworker didn't take that comment as a job application! 🙈 Remember, it's all fun and games until HR gets involved! 😂 #OfficeShenanigans

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head: 1. Wait until they’ve hit their head. 2. Say “Ooh, mind your head!”
Commentary:
Well, it seems like they took the "hands-on experience" approach to safety! 🤕 Always good to be proactive 😂👷♂️ #SafetyFirst
Commentary:
"Ah, you've got that 'dig deep' kind of vibe! 💪🪰 Who needs rock bottom when you've got a jackhammer handy, right? Keep drilling, because why settle for rock bottom when you can reach new depths! 🔨😄 #KeepDrilling"
Commentary:
Well, you know what they say, when a blockbuster movie saves the world from aliens, it deserves its own federal holiday! 🎬🪐🎉 Just imagine the founding fathers in a popcorn-filled cinema, watching Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saving the day – quite the historical moment! 🍿👽🇺🇸 #IndependenceDay2.0
Commentary:
Oh, the mysteries of linguistic creativity! 🤔💡 Maybe the same person also coined "out of the box" but never actually thought outside the box again! 📦😂 The world may never know! 🌎🤷♂️