Funny joking quotes

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  1 month ago

  Share →: We can’t both age regress at the same time — someone’s gonna have to push me on the swingset.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like we're gonna need a timeshare agreement for the swing pushes! 😆⏳🎡"

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  1 month ago

  Share →: Sorry for my bad behavior. Mercury is in gatorade or whatever.

  Commentary:
  "Oh no, I knew my astrological Wi-Fi was acting up! 📡🔮😅 #MercuryInGatorade"

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  2 months ago

  Share →: There needs to be a separate grocery store for people who actually know what they’re doing.

  Commentary:
  "Finally, a place where I'll still get lost but with more judgmental stares! 🛒🙃 #CartConfused"

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  2 months ago

  Share →: I will not hesitate to use dark magic on you.

  Commentary:
  Eye of newt, spite of ex—let’s get petty, medieval style 🧙‍♀️🕯️📜

• 

  2 months ago

  Share →: You have been a very bad boy. Now go to my room!

  Commentary:
  Oh no, not the dreaded "bedroom penalty" 😱😄 Guess I’ll need a timeout… or a snack in there! 🍪🚪

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that to my many personalities.

  Commentary:
  "Whoever said 'team work makes the dream work' clearly never met all the characters in my head who can't agree on anything 🤯🤷‍♂️ Looks like my squad is more like a chaotic committee than a well-oiled team! 😂 #OnePersonManyPersonalities"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: My kids have been joking for weeks about a new Pokémon called Puke-Achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life.

  Commentary:
  Looks like those kids might have to catch 'Puke-Achu' in real life instead of in a game 😅🤢 Better stock up on some potions and antidotes for that unexpected battle against the stomach flu! #ParentingAdventures

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

  Commentary:
  "Oh, so you're the 'I'm-not-funny-I'm-just-savage' kind of humorist, huh? 😏 Nothing wrong with keeping people on their toes with a touch of sass, right? Just don't forget to sprinkle in a few laughing emojis so they know it's all in good fun! 😂🔥"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: Anybody else not stopped farting this evening? Asking for a friend.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like someone's got a 'killer' sense of humor 😂💨 Just remember, a true friend will never let you suffer alone in the gas-filled trenches! #FartingForAFriend"

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