52 Funny once quotes

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  1 month ago

  View →: My entire life changed once I found out that a crush is just a lack of information.
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  1 month ago

  View →: You should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower.
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  1 month ago

  View →: Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “Close Enough.”
• 

  2 months ago

  View →: Once you find a pair of pants that fit you perfectly, it’s over for all your other pants.
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  2 months ago

  View →: You only live once and thank God for that.
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  2 months ago

  View →: All this suffering on earth because someone ate an apple once.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Once I see a vein on your forehead while we arguing, I’ll let you be.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Once I find a dragon, y’all are toast.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Does anyone else feel like their brain has a hundred tabs open at once?
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  4 months ago

  View →: I once let a really short guy be the big spoon and it felt like I went to bed with a backpack on.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Ludacris once said “If you ain’t got no money take yo’ broke ass home” and I haven’t left the house since.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.
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  4 months ago

  View →: I accidentally take a screenshot of my phone background at least once a week.
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  4 months ago

  View →: I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get your kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
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  4 months ago

  View →: For once, I’d like to spiral into control.
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  5 months ago

  View →: You don’t scare me, I was married once.
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  5 months ago

  View →: College is not even mentioned once in the Bible. Somebody get me outta here.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Met a microbiologist once. They’re a lot bigger than I imagined.
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  5 months ago

  View →: So many spreadsheets and not once did I feel excelled.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
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  5 months ago

  View →: My dad once sneezed so hard that he set every clock back two hours.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Once you’ve been single for a long time, you realize how exhausting relationships can be.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once, like a squirrel on crack.
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  5 months ago

  View →: And once again my day begins without a red carpet! Guys, I’m really disappointed in you.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers, he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Once again, I have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes.
• 

  5 months ago

  View →: Once married, the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
• 

  5 months ago

  View →: The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”.

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