Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water. Posted on47 minutes ago
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs. Pretty disappointed in them ever since though. Posted on4 hours ago
Just because I’m friendly doesn’t mean I like you. It just means that I’m not rude. Posted on4 hours ago
I don’t understand how spending more money than I earn is irresponsible. I’m giving more than I take. I’m generous. Posted on6 hours ago
If people continue to behave so badly, I will donate my organs to an animal shelter. Posted on10 hours ago
If Monday were available for purchase at IKEA, it would be called “Fekking Hell”. Posted on10 hours ago
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android. Posted on13 hours ago
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face. Posted on19 hours ago
After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore. Posted on19 hours ago
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want. Posted on20 hours ago
No, I’m not stressed. I just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun. Posted on24 hours ago
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door. Posted on1 day ago
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me. Posted on1 day ago
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for some random stuff every other day. Posted on1 day ago
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I’m gonna need everybody to stop living here. Posted on2 days ago
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. Posted on2 days ago