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30 Funny thank quotes

You only live once and thank God for that.

2 days ago

Don’t rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

4 weeks ago

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.

4 weeks ago

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus.

4 weeks ago

Thank you for your password, now we are going to text you another password, then put that one in. Click ‘remember this computer’ so we can forget it.

1 month ago

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side. My legs for always supporting me. And my fingers because I can always count on them.

2 months ago

No thank you, I only like men who have no interest in me.

2 months ago

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

3 months ago

I’m at that point in my life where if a car hit me, I’d probably say thank you to the kind stranger.

3 months ago

Aliens: We are here to take over. Me: Thank God.

3 months ago

Thank you for being friends with me. Baffling decision, but thank you.

3 months ago

Thank God I have a cat. Who else is gonna shit in this box I have?

3 months ago

Thank God my pets can’t talk. They simply know too much.

3 months ago

Dear God, thank you for the job I have. But if you have a lottery win planned for me, I’m ready! Thank you.

3 months ago

“Seize the day!” No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

3 months ago

A large group of people is called an “eww, no thank you”

3 months ago

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you and good night.

3 months ago

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway.

3 months ago

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s. Thank God the authorities got that nightmare under control.

3 months ago

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

3 months ago

Camping? No, thank you. If I wanted to sleep outside, I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

3 months ago

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence.

3 months ago

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony.

3 months ago

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

3 months ago

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer.

3 months ago

I don’t understand people who say “I don’t know how to thank you.” Like they never heard of money.

3 months ago

All positions for annoying people in my life have been filled. Applicants need not apply, thank you.

3 months ago

We should thank heaven for nipples. Without them boobs would be pointless.

3 months ago

I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.

3 months ago