I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has downloaded:

What I’m trying to say is, “Hello, here’s my entire heart and all of my devotion.”

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I have read that there are imaginary pregnancies. The belly gets bigger and bigger, but there is no baby inside. Finally a diagnosis.

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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

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I used to think adulthood was one crisis after another. I was wrong. Multiple crises. Concurrently. All at once. All the time. Forever.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has downloaded:

Tomorrow isn’t promised, so eat that cake today.

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I do not like FaceTime unless we’re best friends or I’m in love with you.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has downloaded:

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

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I see people my age out there climbing mountains and skydiving, and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

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The most embarrassing thing in the world is when you make a fool of yourself in front of a baby and it doesn’t laugh.