I hope you celebrate your birthday like your birth – naked and screaming.

55 shares on Facebook this month:

I don’t mean to brag, but I can forget what I’m saying while I’m saying it.

19 shares on Messenger this month:

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

77 shares on Threads this month:

A peaceful transition of power happening between me and this cigarette just now.

78 shares on WeChat this month:

If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?

24 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I’m at a point in life where I’m just at a point.

34 shares on Instagram this month:

For Halloween, you should be mine.

95 shares on Pinterest this month:

I think one quality that makes me incredibly attractive is that I keep my mouth shut when I have nothing to say.

18 shares on Messenger this month:

Y’all shivering in this cold cause them Shein jackets made outta paper towels.

70 shares on Discord this month:

Being a millennial means finding out you can’t afford to live in that apartment complex you thought was really shady when you were a kid.

35 shares on Facebook this month:

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.