I like driving by myself. I just played the same song 36 times.

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With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

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Some people are living proof that brain failure does not immediately lead to death.

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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach.

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I need like twelve incomes for this lifestyle I have in my head.

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When you have finished reading this funny quote, you will be a little closer to death than before.

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Definitely thought I’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life.

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Changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded.

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Don’t you hate it when you offer help and the other person says yes?

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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle and explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

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Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi, nice to meet you, could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”