I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee.

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Diabetes was the God of sugar.

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Money does not buy happiness, but it’s better to cry in a sports car than on a bicycle.

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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

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Kendrick inspires me to be a bigger, deeper, more passionate hater.

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Friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally.

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Fleetwood Mac said that I could go my own way, your honor.

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The rule should be: if you can smell the cookout, you’re invited to the cookout.

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Everyone’s a badass until the doorbell rings.

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The toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title.

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If we’re walking together, just know I’ll definitely bump into you because I can’t walk in a straight line.