If you accept a knighthood, you should have to participate in at least one jousting tournament a year. The tournaments should be televised.

12 shares on Slack this month:

You know you’re over 40 when you clean your house to the music you used to get drunk to.

20 shares on Facebook this month:

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi.

84 shares on YouTube this month:

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

35 shares on WhatsApp this month:

If I have to look at any more spreadsheets today, you’re gonna have to spread my ashes.

26 shares on Instagram this month:

Imagine thinking you have any clue what’s going on.

85 shares on LinkedIn this month:

The sexual tension between me and disappearing without an explanation.

18 shares on Messenger this month:

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

22 shares on Telegram this month:

It’s true that I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, but for my return trip, I rented a camel named Carl.

93 shares on Instagram this month:

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

89 shares on Messenger this month:

Winter. You get up, drink coffee and then it gets dark.