If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

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I wish rolling your eyes burned calories.

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Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working.

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I’ve spent 80% of my adult life resetting my password.

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Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

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I think we all need to go out into an empty field and just scream for about an hour.

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Just imagine how great life would be if pizza made you skinny.

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The list of women who haven’t slept with me is really impressive.

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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi.

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You ever met someone so dumb you gotta take a deep breath before responding to them?