If you ever need nothing, I’m here for you.

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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

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Not opening up anymore, have fun trying to figure me out.

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If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be. No need to remind her every half hour.

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When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.

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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

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The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.

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The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

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Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

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Humanity doesn’t deserve a new year, look at the mess they made of the last one.