I’m addicted to placebos.

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I love convincing myself iced coffee counts as hydration and self-care.

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It’s officially Christmas shopping season, and I can’t even afford my own life.

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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

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Not going is the new leaving early.

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I love men with a provider fetish.

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If you inject Botox into a raisin, does it turn back into a grape?

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I stop myself at least twice a day from posting a status that would make everyone grab popcorn.

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My dog sighs a lot for someone who doesn’t pay any bills.

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I remember when my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? And I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.