Lois Lane said, “Clark?” like she didn’t just make out with that same jawline in spandex twelve hours ago.

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My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.

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When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like, okay, but how do you solve the problem of being awake?

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Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

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I love replying “Need him” when someone posts their boyfriend on their Instagram story.

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When I was young, I couldn’t wait to be older. Well, I wasn’t expecting this shit!

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A garlic a day keeps people away.

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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

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Shoutout to Netflix for being the only one that checks in on me every few hours. “Are you still watching?” Yeah, babe, thank you for asking.

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Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep.

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Always stay crazy. Otherwise you’ll go crazy.