Men with bibles names be the worst type of people.

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I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

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“Do you like using Twitter?” Does Sisyphus like his boulder?

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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down.

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My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist.

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Some people get it. Most people don’t.

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I’m not saying I’m old, but when I was in school, we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas.

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We can do things two ways. My way or the right way.

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Everybody’s back hurts until it’s time to have sexy time.

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God, please, for once in my life, let me get what I want.

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Texting a man first feels like I’m on my hands and knees begging him to talk to me.