My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

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“Real Housewives” is a great oxymoron because nothing about them is real.

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Life begins when you can afford it.

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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

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They should invent a situationship that turns into something beautiful.

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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this Thanksgiving party started.

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Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

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I wish I was a moose. No work, no school, just eating grass and wrecking cars.

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I’m fat because I’m full of experiences, and most of those experiences took place at Mexican restaurants.

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When your parents are on a call and they ask for a pen, man, that pressure is real.

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Everyone should be more grateful for what I don’t say.