Wordgag ツ

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious.

There’s nothing worse than being in public and you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky and it is.

Do you remember when you looked through binoculars upside down and everyone was really far away? That was nice.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one. There’s no in-between.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

There’s something meditative about cleaning. It’s the perfect time to reflect and plan revenge on every single person who has ever wronged you.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.