That drum solo from In the Air Tonight, but it’s me just slapping my tummy, waiting for the microwave to beep.

28 shares on Snapchat this month:

My self-care routine is mostly just going to Mexican restaurants.

49 shares on LinkedIn this month:

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

42 shares on Telegram this month:

Fun fact: a person’s music taste can actually tell their intelligence level.

18 shares on Pinterest this month:

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

75 shares on WeChat this month:

How can people lift weights? My arms get tired just by putting my hair up in a ponytail.

80 shares on Twitch this month:

Eating cookies left for Santa because the cowboy was a no show.

11 shares on Telegram this month:

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone. Never!

33 shares on Facebook this month:

Are you the sun? Because you need to stay about 92,960,000 miles away from me.

16 shares on YouTube this month:

My daily routine. Morning: Feeling tired, cranky and lazy. Afternoon: I could go for a nap. Night: I can’t sleep.

41 shares on Instagram this month:

Retiring my wallet condom after two years of active duty. 87 tours with 0 combat deployments.