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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇨🇦 has bookmarked:

“You should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day”. Okay, and how much if you’re not trying to go to the Olympics?

Someone from 🇦🇬 has downloaded:

At a certain age, all you really want is a good mattress.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has copied:

Maybe I prefer my ducks scattered about.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has downloaded:

Listen, before I had my coffee I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today either.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has downloaded:

That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has copied:

My advice to anyone with a job: be the last one in, the first one out, and do as little as possible while getting maximum pay.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has copied:

No more fun facts. I want to know what your last nightmare was about.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has viewed:

Some people avoid bacon for the sake of religion. I avoid religion for the sake of bacon.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has downloaded:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your dog can stay home for the hour you’re at the grocery store or restaurant.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has viewed:

One of the biggest struggles of being an adult is deciding what to make for supper. Every. Single. Night.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Pinterest:

I wish religion made people nicer to each other.

Making waves on Reddit:

Why do birds love going apeshit first thing in the morning?

Seen just now on Pinterest:

Listen to the birds, not the news.

Making waves on YouTube:

I would rather lose you than the argument.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

The urge to say “yeah, you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Broadcasted on TikTok:

Please pray for my husband, he’s struggling to find me.

Broadcasted on Threads:

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

Well, like I said to my television the other day, “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Just shared via Reddit:

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

Going viral on Instagram:

If you scroll Twitter long enough, you too can burn calories by shaking your head.

That gap between Christmas and New Year’s when you can’t tell what day of the week it is.

3 weeks ago

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Living in a time warp where every day's a Sundae 🍦🗓️ #PerpetualWeekend

awareness, Christmas, confusion, date, date confusion, day, day awareness, gap, holiday, new, new year, tell, time, time gap, week, year

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49 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Instead of making a sound, car alarms that go off at night should blast your name so everyone knows it’s your car.

30 shares on X this month:

Your birthday as an adult mainly consists of texting back ‘Thanks!’ to people you haven’t talked to in 5 years.

19 shares on Twitch this month:

You should tell different people completely different things about yourself so that they then get into arguments when gossiping about you.

14 shares on Messenger this month:

My life plans are fading like Marty McFly’s family photo.

96 shares on Slack this month:

Before you just FaceTime me randomly, please don’t.

85 shares on Telegram this month:

I need a day off from myself.

74 shares on Twitch this month:

Can’t. Inventing new things to worry about.

57 shares on YouTube this month:

I’ve never met a garlic bread I didn’t get on with.

95 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

27 shares on Discord this month:

Eating watermelon and minding my own business.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇹 has copied:

Just remember, you don’t need a special reason to buy a cake.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has bookmarked:

Calm yourself, Lucifer. You did the right thing coming to me for advice.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has viewed:

I would do absolutely anything for my friends, except answer their text messages.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has bookmarked:

What is it called when you were overthinking, and it turns out you were right?

Someone from 🇮🇱 has bookmarked:

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has viewed:

You know you’re over 40 when you clean your house to the music you used to get drunk to.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has downloaded:

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has viewed:

If you don’t have at least one white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has shared:

I don’t question my wife’s choices because I’m one of them.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

Perhaps we should have further developed natural intelligence before venturing into artificial intelligence.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Pouring rain, football on TV, empty house; the stuff dreams are made of.

Spreading quickly via X:

If you voted for someone because “he’s not a politician”, then I hope your next colonoscopy is done by a plumber.

Going bananas on Instagram:

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you.

Just landed via Pinterest:

I automatically assume everyone finds me unattractive until they tell me otherwise, and then I assume that they are lying to make fun of me.

Seen just now on Discord:

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Just landed via Pinterest:

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Spreading quickly via Discord:

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and will choose more quickly.

Just landed via Instagram:

Are you gonna call me beautiful today, or do I need to go to the gas station?

Going viral on Threads:

If you’re bored when you’re alone, obviously you’re in bad company.

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Activity Log ✨

That gap between Christmas and New Year’s when you can’t tell what day of the week it is.

Dating a smart man, so I actually can turn my brain off when he is around.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I was thinking of becoming self employed, but due to cutbacks, I can’t afford to hire me right now.

The smaller the woman, the bigger the attitude. It’s science.

Sorry, Mom, I can’t go outside, I’m ugly.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

That gap between Christmas and New Year’s when you can’t tell what day of the week it is.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I’m at the age where, if you ask me to go out after 9 p.m., I’m definitely not coming.

Dating a smart man, so I actually can turn my brain off when he is around.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I was thinking of becoming self employed, but due to cutbacks, I can’t afford to hire me right now.

The smaller the woman, the bigger the attitude. It’s science.

Sorry, Mom, I can’t go outside, I’m ugly.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨